Big words Series – Feelings

A hand holds a pink candy heart with the word "FEELINGS" in a sunlit setting by a window.

Emotions shape our lives in profound ways. They influence how we connect with others, make decisions, and navigate challenges. Yet many of us struggle to understand or express our feelings, leaving us disconnected from ourselves and those we love.

In his book, Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive, Marc Brackett offers a framework for improving emotional intelligence and transforming how we engage with our emotions. This article explores Brackett’s principles and provides actionable steps to embrace emotional wellness in your life.


Why Do Feelings Matter?

Emotions aren’t just fleeting reactions; they are essential signals that guide our behavior and relationships. Yet, society often discourages emotional expression, labeling certain feelings as “bad” or “weak.”

Brackett challenges these myths, emphasizing that every emotion serves a purpose. By giving yourself permission to feel, you unlock the ability to:

  • Better understand your needs and boundaries.
  • Communicate more effectively with others.
  • Build resilience in the face of adversity.

The first step? Learning to recognize and work with your emotions instead of suppressing them.


The RULER Framework: A Tool for Emotional Intelligence

Brackett’s RULER framework provides a step-by-step guide to mastering your emotions. Each letter represents a key skill for emotional intelligence:

1. Recognizing Emotions

You can’t manage what you don’t notice. Start by tuning into the physical and mental signals your emotions create. For example:

  • Does your heart race when you’re anxious?
  • Do you feel heaviness in your chest when sad?

Mindfulness practices, like pausing to check in with yourself, can help you recognize emotional patterns in your day-to-day life.


2. Understanding Emotions

Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, dig deeper into why. Emotions are often layered. For instance:

  • Anger might mask hurt or fear.
  • Excitement could also carry a tinge of anxiety.

Ask yourself: What triggered this emotion? What might it be trying to tell me?


3. Labeling Emotions

Using precise language to name your emotions enhances clarity. Instead of saying “I feel bad,” get specific:

  • Are you frustrated, disappointed, overwhelmed, or ashamed?

The more accurate your labels, the better equipped you’ll be to address your emotional needs.


4. Expressing Emotions

Sharing your feelings appropriately strengthens relationships and builds trust. Start by choosing the right time, place, and words to express how you feel.

For example:

  • Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” try, “I feel unimportant when you don’t respond to my messages.”

This approach fosters understanding rather than defensiveness.


5. Regulating Emotions

Regulation doesn’t mean suppressing emotions; it means responding to them in a way that aligns with your values and goals. Techniques like deep breathing, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend can help you process intense feelings.

Brackett emphasizes that emotional regulation is a skill, not an innate trait. With practice, you can improve how you handle even the most challenging emotions.


Why Permission to Feel Matters in Relationships

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about self-awareness—it’s about how you show up in your relationships. Brackett’s principles can transform how you communicate, resolve conflicts, and support your loved ones.

Here’s how you can apply the RULER framework in your relationships:

  • Recognize when your partner seems upset, even if they haven’t said so explicitly.
  • Understand the root of their emotions by asking open-ended questions like, “What’s been on your mind lately?”
  • Label your own emotions during conflicts to reduce misunderstandings.
  • Express your feelings constructively, focusing on solutions rather than blame.
  • Regulate together by taking breaks or engaging in calming activities when tension runs high.

Practical Ways to Build Emotional Intelligence

Here are some actionable steps to integrate Brackett’s teachings into your life:

1. Keep an Emotion Journal

Write down how you feel at the end of each day. Over time, you’ll notice patterns in your emotional triggers and responses.

2. Create an “Emotion Wheel”

An emotion wheel categorizes feelings into broader and more specific terms. Use it to refine your emotional vocabulary and deepen your understanding of yourself.

3. Practice Empathy

Empathy strengthens relationships and builds emotional trust. When someone shares their feelings, respond with validation:

  • “That sounds really tough. I’m here for you.”

4. Teach Emotional Skills to Others

Whether it’s with your kids, partner, or friends, sharing what you’ve learned about emotions creates a ripple effect. Start conversations about feelings to normalize emotional expression in your community.


Final Thoughts: Building an Emotionally Rich Life

Giving yourself permission to feel is a courageous act. It requires vulnerability, curiosity, and a commitment to growth. Yet the rewards—stronger relationships, greater self-awareness, and a deeper sense of fulfillment—are well worth the effort.

If you’re ready to deepen your emotional intelligence and improve your relationships, therapy can provide personalized support. Together, we can explore your feelings in a safe, nonjudgmental space and build skills to navigate life’s challenges.

Visit my Let’s Connect page to learn more about how we can work together on your journey to emotional wellness.