Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but how couples handle conflict can make the difference between growth and disconnection. Fighting fair isn’t about avoiding disagreements altogether; it’s about navigating them in a way that strengthens your connection rather than eroding it. Drawing from the work of Stan Tatkin, founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), we’ll explore how to handle conflicts with care, empathy, and intention. By learning to fight fair, couples can transform conflict into a bonding experience.

1. Protect the “Couple Bubble”

Tatkin’s concept of the “couple bubble” emphasizes that successful couples create a sense of safety and mutual care within their relationship. During conflict, this means prioritizing the bond over being “right.” Ask yourself:

• Is what I’m about to say going to protect or harm the relationship?
• How can I express my needs without making my partner feel attacked?

By reframing the disagreement as a shared challenge to solve together, you foster connection even in moments of tension. This is a core principle of how to fight fair in any relationship.

2. Stay Regulated

Conflicts often trigger our nervous systems, making it hard to think clearly or respond calmly. According to Tatkin, maintaining self-regulation—or calming your emotional responses—is essential for productive discussions. Strategies include:

• Taking slow, deep breaths to stay grounded.
• Pausing the conversation if emotions escalate and agreeing to revisit it later.
• Using soothing gestures, like holding hands, to remind each other of your connection.

When both partners remain regulated, the likelihood of mutual understanding increases significantly. Staying regulated helps ensure that the couple can fight fair and resolve conflicts.

3. Lead with Curiosity, Not Criticism

Criticism often leads to defensiveness, creating a cycle of blame that deepens conflict. Instead, approach disagreements with curiosity. Try saying:

• “Can you help me understand why this is important to you?”
• “I’m noticing we see this differently. What’s your perspective?”

Tatkin emphasizes the importance of understanding your partner’s inner world. When you approach conflict with curiosity, you create space for empathy and connection, even when opinions differ. This method supports the idea of fighting fair and resolving conflicts constructively.

4. Avoid Threatening the Relationship

During heated moments, it can be tempting to make comments like, “Maybe we should just break up” or “I can’t do this anymore.” Tatkin warns against making threats to the relationship, as they can destabilize your sense of safety and trust. Instead, focus on repair:

• Take responsibility if you’ve said something hurtful: “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry I said it in the heat of the moment.”
• Reaffirm your commitment: “I know we’re upset, but I care about us and want to work through this.”

5. Practice “Secure Functioning”

Secure functioning is a cornerstone of PACT, focusing on collaboration and mutual respect. In conflicts, this means:

• Prioritizing shared goals over individual wins.
• Recognizing that your partner is not your adversary but your teammate.
• Keeping the bigger picture in mind: What kind of relationship do you want to nurture?

One way to embody secure functioning is to use “we” language. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “How can we work on hearing each other better?” Practicing secure functioning helps couples fight fair, keeping the relationship strong.

6. Repair Quickly and Thoroughly

Conflicts aren’t damaging—unrepaired conflicts are. Tatkin stresses the importance of making amends promptly after a fight. This might include:

• Offering a genuine apology: “I’m sorry for how I handled that. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
• Reflecting on what went wrong and sharing insights: “I realize I interrupted you a lot. I’ll work on that.”
• Following through on agreed-upon changes: Actions often speak louder than words.

Repair is about reaffirming your commitment and showing that you’re invested in creating a healthier dynamic. True repair is a sign that a couple is willing to fight fair and grow together.

7. Know When to Seek Support

If certain conflicts keep resurfacing or feel too overwhelming to navigate on your own, seeking help from a couples therapist can be transformative. A therapist trained in attachment and relationship dynamics can:

• Help you uncover patterns that contribute to conflict.
• Teach effective communication and regulation tools.
• Guide you toward a deeper understanding of each other’s needs.

There’s no shame in seeking support—it shows courage and commitment to your relationship. Therapy can help couples fight fair by offering new strategies to resolve conflicts.

Fight for the Relationship, Not Against Each Other

Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to damage your relationship. By fighting fair, you can transform disagreements into opportunities for growth and connection. Protecting your couple bubble, staying curious, and prioritizing repair are just a few strategies that can make all the difference. In summary, when you fight fair, you foster a stronger, healthier relationship.

If you’re ready to strengthen your conflict resolution skills and deepen your bond, Courageous Couples Counseling is here to help. Schedule a free consultation today and take the first step toward a healthier, more connected relationship.